the end

Well, I guess I am eating my own words now... In my first post I said that if something went wrong with my pregnancy I would have to share it with everyone. That is proving a harder statement to follow through with.

On Monday the 6th of September I was taken to the hospital. There I miscarried my pregnancy. It has been a very hard time for my family and I... I am lost between the world of rationality, where I understand that this is a unfortunately frequent occurrence and the world of panic and shock where I wonder why this happened to me, did I do or say something wrong? Doesn't god know what a good mother I am? It is a long arduous process, because even though my pregnancy is officially over, every day I am reminded of what is happening to be as my body cleans itself out.

Branden and I have decided that once it is medically safe for me, that we will try to get pregnant again. I have decided that the only real way for me to feel better about this situation is to complete my original goal of giving birth to a baby. Unfortunately, even if I do get pregnant again, it will be a very long time before I share it with anybody, I just do not see myself being able to go through this kind of stress and misery and turmoil publicly again. So if and when I do conceive again, you will all probably find out a when I am too far along to hid a pregnancy.

I appreciate my friends and family who have been so understanding, my closes friends and family know how important my children are to me and how much emphasis I place on being a good mother.

I still do not wish to discuss this publicly. I don't really care to have anymore condolences, I just wanted my friends to understand what I am going through right now and to not ask me about 'the baby' or 'the pregnancy' because neither exist anymore.

I am having a really hard time figuring out where to end this, so I jsut want to say thanks again for all the support.